Veits nalja

[gamer]

Vastus teemale \'Veits nalja\'

Algselt postitas Daz Booob


Pärismaalane lamab palmi all ja mõnuleb. Mööda läheb turist ja küsib: \"Mis sa siin lesid? Korja parem kookospähklid kokku, vii turule ja müü maha.\"
\"Noh, ja siis?\"
\"Siis ostad saadud raha eest käru, korjad rohkem pähkleid ja saad rohkem raha.\"
\"Noh, ja siis?\"
\"Nii muudkui teenidki raha. Varsti võid auto osta - mõtle, kui palju kaupa sa siis turule saad viia!\"
\"Noh, ja siis?\"
\"Töötad mõne aasta, ostad maja, avad pangas arve...\"
\"Noh, ja siis?\"
\"Siis võid rahulikult lesida ja puhata.\"
\"Noh, ja mida ma sinu arvates siis praegu siin teen?\"

Kusjuures 11kl inglise keele õpikus on sama asi ainult kalapüügiga.

[Saarlane]

Vastus teemale \'Veits nalja\'

Toimub jahimeeste seltsi koosolek. Juht räägis, kuidas ta ükskord karu nägi. Ent püssi polnud käepärast. Mõtles, et mis siis ikka, kaotada pole midagi ja läks karu juurde ja kohe hammastega kõrist kinni Räägib edasi: ,,Suu oli karvu täis...´´ Järsku kutsus naine telefonile. Läks käis rääkis jutud ära, tuli tagasi ja küsis: ,,Kustkohast mul pooleli jäi nüüd?´´ Teised vastasid, et sealt, kus sul karvad olid suus.´´ Jahimees mõtleb: ,,Karvad suus, karvad suus, aajaa, ja kus siis lits lõi reied kokku, mul prillid segamini...!

[2mSööt3mMööda]

Vastus teemale \'Veits nalja\'

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business.
\"Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material.
You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill.
But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills.
Now, here\'s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?\"

[mikc]

Vastus teemale \'Veits nalja\'

[eestimees]

Vastus teemale \'Veits nalja\'

Kuidas käske edasi antakse

KOLONEL MAJORILE:

\"Kuule Smith, homme kell 9.00 on päikesevarjutus, mida ei juhtu iga päev. Kogu isiku-line koos-seis platsile rivis-ta-da, et nad haruldast
loodusnähtust jäl-gida võiksid. Sele-tusi annan mina. Vihma korral, kui nagu-nii midagi näha pole, koguge inimesed võim-lasse.\"

MAJOR KAPTENILE:

\"Koloneli käsul toimub homme kell 9.00 päikesevarjutus. Vihma korral ei saa seda plat-sil näha, seepärast viiakse see läbi võim-las, mida ei
juhtu iga päev.\"

KAPTEN LEITNANDILE:

\"Koloneli käsul toimub homme hommikul kell 9.00 võimla saa-lis pidulik päikese--varju-tus. Kui on vaja vihma, annab härra kolo-nel selle
kohta eri käsu, mida ei juhtu iga päev.\"

LEITNANT SEERSANDILE:

\"Homme kell üheksa varjutab kolonel võimla saalis päikese, mida selge ilmaga iga päev ei juhtu, vihma korral aga plat-sil.\"

SEERSANT KAPRALILE

\"Homme kell üheksa toimub koloneli varjutamine päikese tõt-tu. Kui võimla saalis vihma sa-jab, mida ei juhtu iga päev, koguda kõik platsile.\"

[boobek]

Vastus teemale \'Veits nalja\'

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
How many children?\" asks the council worker. \"10\" replies the Essex girl
10?\" says the council worker. \"What are their names?\"
Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne\"
Doesn\'t that get confusing?\"
\"Naah...\" says the Essex girl \"its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER\'S
READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it...\"
What if you want to speak to one individually?\" says the perturbed
council worker.
\"That\'s easy,\" says the Essex girl... \"I just use their surnames\"


An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on
the counter. \"I\'ll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.\" she
says
\"Come again?\" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
\"No\" she replies. \"This time it\'s mayonnaise.\"


Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says \"Choose from our range on the wall.\"
She says \"I\'ll take the red one.\"
The man replies \"That\'s a fire extinguisher.\"


An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl
notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
She says, \"Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why
doz one of your wellies \'ave an L on it and the uva one\'s got an R on it?\"
So the Irish guy smiles,puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is
for me roight foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot\" Cor blimey,
exclaims the Essex girl, \"So THATS why me knickers \'ave got C&A on them.

[Scooter]

Vastus teemale \'Veits nalja\'

Üks mees teisele: \"Kui sa viina jood, kas sa siis kuradeid ka oled näinud?\"
\"Ei ma ise pole näinud, aga ükskord vaatasin läbi naabrimehe lukuaugu ja seal küll nägin.\"

[Scooter]

Vastus teemale \'Veits nalja\'

Ajalugu kordub...


Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.


In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, somebody please warn the Pope!

[vello99]

Vastus teemale \'Veits nalja\'

6 CIRCLES OF HANGOVER HELL

1st Circle: The Ducked Bullet

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep was deep and all those carbo-loaded beers have gifted you with a week’s worth of misplaced energy. During lunch you torture your less fortunate coworkers, bragging about how you can pound booze all night, drink warm gin out of a dirty ashtray for breakfast, and still show up fifteen minutes early for work. You crave a steak sub and a side of gravy fries.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2nd Circle: The Thirsty Mongoloid

No real pain, but something is definitely amiss. You look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. You are definitely dehydrated and after drinking two Gatorades you still feel that way. You feel kinda dumb and you notice the temporary lowering of your IQ has made you more sociable and less concerned with workaday worries. You crave a fruity pancake from IHOP.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

3rd Circle: The Headwound That Won’t Heal

Slight headache. Stomach is upset. You are definitely not the paradigm of a productive worker. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the warm gin shots you did at your friend’s apartment after the bouncer ejected you at 1:45 a.m. Memories of bad behavior seep in and you cringe with shame. Life would be much, much better if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching Hogan’s Heroes reruns. You\'ve had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, three iced teas and a diet coke and you haven\'t peed once.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

4th Circle: The Hunchback of Cheap Champagne

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing. You can\'t speak too quickly or you’ll punctuate your sentences with vomit. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and reeking of booze. The clothes you put on won’t win you any fashion awards and your face looks like a golf green mowed by a blind junkie (ladies, it looks like you applied your make-up with a shotgun). Your eyes are red enough to give your features a lizardish cast and your hair makes your coworkers ask if you’re starting up a new wave band. You vaguely remember doing some really dumb and embarrassing things last night and you don’t care. You would murder your favorite bartender for a foot-long Bratwurst smothered with dijon and fried onions.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

5th Circle: Dr. Kevorkian’s Dream Date

You don’t feel human, you don’t even feel like a mammal. Your long morning shower didn’t take, no amount of soap could penetrate the coat of sleaze. You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employees sitting near you. You’re getting drunk from the vodka vapors seeping from every pore. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from the futile attempt to remove the taste of decaying rat. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, your tongue flops in your mouth like a nightmare-plagued wino thrashing around in his cardboard hooch. You\'d cry like a baby but that would steal the last few drops of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty awesome right now. You definitely don\'t remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still passed out in your bed.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

6th Circle: The Infinite Nutsmacker

You wake up on your bathroom floor, your arms death-locked around your porcelain lover. You would vomit but you quite apparently took care of that last night, with none too good of an aim. You turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights—some sadist handed you a pack of Pall Mall nonfilters and you chain-smoked them like it was your full-time job, telling anyone who would listen that smoking filtered cigarettes is like drinking whiskey through a bar rag. You look in the mirror and find the Ready to Rock stamp has migrated from your right hand to your forehead with the help of Jager magic. You try to rehydrate but all you can stand is one cupped handful of brackish tap water. You crawl into the shower and the coldest water fails to revive your nerve endings as you mumble solemn oaths of never, ever letting a single drop of evil alcohol inside your body again. Ever .

If you could remember your behavior last night you would never step outside your apartment again, but the last thing you recall is accepting your ninth shot offer with the exhortation, “Fuck yes! Let’s get this party started!” Everything after that is a black vacuum populated with shifting, vaguely-menacing shapes.

Instead of yelling at you for being late, your boss solemnly invites you into his office to ask you if a parent or sibling passed away. Your super-sensitive ears pick up low talk among your coworkers about “interventions” and “rehab.” The cute girl from accounting you’ve been flirting with for three months looks at you like you’re a leprous hunchback who has come for her organs. You cannot bear to eat, the granola bar from the snack machine sticks in your craw like petrified log jammed in a woodchipper. You curse yourself for not calling in sick because all you can manage to do is sit in your chair and breathe . . . very gently.

[-Eemeez-*]

Vastus teemale \'Veits nalja\'

Algselt postitas Scooter


Ajalugu kordub...


Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.

Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.


In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, somebody please warn the Pope!

Lihtsalt selline faktitäpsustus, et minuarust suri eelmine paavst 78 või 79

[Scooter]

Vastus teemale \'Veits nalja\'

Tänase päeva parim nali tuleb madalamate liigade alt ning teemaks \"Kuradi Karikas 2006\":

Algselt postitas amority

Algselt postitas Scooter

Algselt postitas amority
Samamoodi arvati ka kossuvormidega kui need turule tulid. Nüüd siis turniirist ja ainult turniirist

Kas see on kossuturniir?

Daaah.. Kes on seda väitnud? Sina? Antud hetkel oli jutt pööratavatest särkidest.

:P

[inzu]

Vastus teemale \'Veits nalja\'

Mees põgeneb vanglast, kus ta on veetnud 15 aastat.
Põgenedes murrab ta ühte majja sisse, et sealt raha ja relvi hankida,
selle asemel leiab ta ainult paarikese voodist.
Ta käsib mehel voodist üles tulla ja seob ta tooli külge kõvasti kinni.
Naist voodi külge sidudes ronib ta tema peale, kummardub natukeseks
ta kohale ja läheb siis vannituppa. Kuni vang vannitoas on ütleb mees oma naisele:
\"Kuula mind, see mees on nähtavasti põgenenud vang, vaata ta riideid!
Ta on nähtavasti seal kaua olnud ja ei ole naist aastate jooksul näinud.
Ma nägin kuidas ta su kohale kummardus, et kaela suudelda.
Kui ta tahab sinuga seksida, siis ära hakka vastu, ära kurda,
lihtsalt tee seda mida ta sulle ütleb, lihtsalt rahulda teda.
See mees on kindlasti väga ohtlik ja ta võib meid tappa, kui ta vihastab.
Ole tugev, kallis, ma armastan sind.\" Selle peale vastab naine:
\"Ta ei suudelnud minu kaela. Ta sosistas mulle kõrva,
et ta on gei, arvab et sa oled kena ja küsis mu käest kus me vaseliini hoiame?
Ole tugev, kallis, ma armastan sind.\"

[cobras]

Vastus teemale \'Veits nalja\'

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, \"No.\"

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb, She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty.

\"Just a minute,\" she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. \"Do these excite you?\" she asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.

\"Well, come on\", she said, \"We don\'t have much time.\"

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and POW, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a frown. \"Did you put that condom on?\"

I said, \"I sure did,\" and held up my thumb to show her.

[waluswend]

Vastus teemale \'Veits nalja\'

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are
the actual responses by the website officials, who are clearly typical Aussies!

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you\'ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it\'s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it\'s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?
(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we\'ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys\' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it.
Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross,
straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget
its name. It\'s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It\'s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don\'t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you\'ll have to learn it first

[vincent]

Vastus teemale \'Veits nalja\'

Parim blondinali.