Veits nalja

[Meintz]

Apple refused to give customer called Hussain a refund for his £799 iPhone unless he could prove he wasn’t the former Iraqi dictator Saddam

[Staadium]

[Shparkz]

https://www.reddit.com/r/soccer/comments/5apdwm/a_guide_to_becoming_a_football_hipster/

Welcome to the definitive and complete guide on how to be a footballing hipster. In this introduction, I will work through some key principles that will form the foundation of your football hipsterhood.
Before we begin, a word about the author - or “me”, as I sometimes like to call myself. I own a completed copy of the 1996/97 Topps Match Attax sticker book (laminated, of course) and I sport a full and wholesome goatee, which I stroke when contemplating important life decisions. It only took me 39 attempts to write the 12,000 mistake-free words of my dissertation (entitled Football. Discuss.) on a typewriter, and I’ve been grinding my own coffee beans since I was 16 months old. Needless to say, I’m more than qualified to impart some hipster wisdom upon you all.
Principle 1: What Should I Wear?
Forget about your footballing ability, insight or general knowledge: when you’re a football hipster, your wardrobe is your most important asset. There is a palatable rhyme I use for determining what to wear – I’m currently in the process of having it tattooed around my ankle, but can only manage 1 word at a time due to an unusually low pain threshold. It goes like this:
“Does it have a collar?
Cost less than a dollar?
And predate the era of Diego Maradona?
Then you should probably buy it.”
It’s nice isn’t it? Succinct, crisp and tasteful, like a piece of fried vegan halloumi on a warm, overly thick wedge of sourdough. Follow this rhyme and you can’t go wrong.
There are some exceptions. If you opt for a modern shirt (by which I mean anything after 1992), you’ll have to ensure the following:
a) The team is not in any of Europe’s top divisions
2) The player on the back of the shirt is either dead, or suffering from a severe addiction to alcohol or gambling.
It may sound simple, but you’d be amazed at how many lower-tier players end up living fulfilled and prosperous lives after retirement. The bastards.
Principle 2: Who Should I Support?
Much like shirt choices, the football hipster has to be very careful with the team to whom they pledge their allegiance. One underlying tenet of this principle is that you are by no means required to have any sort of affiliation with your team of choice: indeed, the best football hipsters should aim to have at least 42 degrees of separation between them and the nearest fellow supporter.
It’s all about trying to think outside of the (18-yard) box. We’ve all heard of St Pauli and Real Oviedo: unfortunately, lower-tier EU-based teams just don’t cut the gluten-free mustard anymore. At this year’s National Convention for Football Hipsters (NCFH), held in the derelict basement of a Camden-based gin palace, one attendee (I think his name was Gladys) told me he was a loyal supporter of Cotton FC – the winners of the Ethiopian Premier League…in 1983. His answer was brilliant because, not only had he plumped for a team firmly outside the boundaries of EU regulation, but he had also chosen a team from the past. His answer quite literally transcended time. To top it all off, the player on the back of his shirt was recently murdered in a gang-based conflict. It was pure, ethically sourced Gold.
There is no right answer to who you should support: but there are definitely lots of wrong answers. Indeed, almost all answers are wrong. Please PM me if you’d like a free, impartial assessment.
Principle 3: Who is the Greatest of All Time? (As a vegan, I prefer not to use animals as acronyms.)
You’re at a party dressed as Jean-Paul Satre (it’s not a fancy dress party, but why not?) when someone comes up to you and solicits your opinion on the greatest footballer of all time. Stop right there. Place your kale and spinach smoothie to one side and give this some thought. If you have a beard, now is most certainly the time to start stroking it.
The popular (and therefore wrong) debate currently encircles Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo. Perhaps Pele, Ronaldo Luis Nazario de Lima (or “Fat Ronaldo” to the layman), Johann Cruyff, Zidane and Diego Maradona enter the fold, but generally speaking, it doesn’t get much more adventurous than this.
Again, you’re falling for the old clichés if you choose anyone who would feature in a conventional top 100. Being a great footballer isn’t just about scoring goals, creating chances, dictating play and being a great footballer. It’s about so much more. Che Guevara never even touched a football, but he’d easily make my top 10. Football hadn’t been invented in Aristotle’s time, but the man had a fantastic eye for the game. In this sense, the question “Who is the Greatest Footballer of All Time” is a misleading one, because it implies the answer must be an out-and-out footballer.
Next time someone asks you, calmly tell them that until they’ve reformulated the question, it is simply unanswerable.
Thus concludes an outline of the 3 basic pillars of football hipsterism. If you’re interested, I’d be happy to share Volume 2: Best Practice Analysis in the near future. For now, start working on that beard and remember the football hipster’s mantra: if you’ve heard of the team, it’s too mainstream.
Edit: For anyone interested, I have a blog that I write on most days. It's here and I promise the stuff on there is usually better than this tripe.

[Mõnuagent 007]

https://www.reddit.com/r/soccer/comm...tball_hipster/

Sartre võiks ikka õigesti kirjutada.

[2mSööt3mMööda]

[Teiresias]

14902755_1122997584488252_584045920213053717_o.jpg

hehehe

[Iceman]

http://southtips.com/15-hilarious-dog-snapchats-that-are-impawsible-not-to-laugh-at/

[Jasper]

Nurses who has to ask the famous "Sexual history?" question, what was the best answer you got?

[Mõnuagent 007]

Rain Tolk FB-s: Oijah sõidan siin võtteplatsile ja aeg meenutada lugu sellest, kuidas noor spordireporter Hanno Tomberg olla teinud esimese eestlasena reportaazhi mingist NBA mängust. "See on tõepoolest ajalooline sündmus! Eesti televisioon on oma kaamerate ja mikrofonidega tulnud siia, et tuua kodumaa televaatajani need ainulaadsed hetked. Minu nimberg on Hanno Tomberg!"

[Aílton]

militaar foorumist

Letter Home From New Army Recruit

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but it's not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez it's only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes yagotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 18 stone and like three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[Mõnuagent 007]

Kirjutasin Kranaati teksti. Kuna seda ilmselt vastu ei võeta, siis kütan siia ka üles.

Eesti taskupiljardi liidu selgitus

Sagenenud uudised liputajatest Mustamäe pargis on üles ärritanud Eesti juhtivad taskupiljardistid, kes on väsinud nende spordiala alandamisest ja nõuavad suuremates meediaväljaannetes selgitust. Kranaadi toimetus andis Eesti värskeimale spordialaliidule võimaluse ennast tutvustada.

Tere, Harald Käsikivi, mis mureks?
Tere, Kranaadi toimetus, mul on väga hea meel, et soostusite meid vastu võtma, kuna abikäsi on praegusel raskel hetkel igati vaja. Meie positsioone on viimasel ajal Eesti spordi ja muus meedias pidevalt õõnestatud ja seetõttu tahame mõne asja selgeks rääkida.

Ohoo, miks siis spordimeedia teid kiusab?

Kõik sai alguse paar aastat tagasi, kui meie liit algatas kampaania ETV sporditoimetuse vastu, kuna sealsetes uudistes eelistati pidevalt suusatamist ja jalgpalli. Lisaks sellele näidati iga laupäev küsitava väärtusega jalgpalli Eesti meistrivõistlusi. Samal ajal oli väga suure harrastuskonnaga taskupiljard täiesti kajastamata. Õnneks mõistis ERRi juht Margus Allikmaa meie positsioone ja vallandas taskupiljardi kajastamise vastu olnud Kaljuveeri ametist.

Nii, see peaks ju hea olema?
Jah, aga meid peteti haledalt. Järgmisel olümpial on taskupiljard näidisalana kavas ja me saaksime lõpuks eetrisse, kuid ETV teatas, et nemad ei näita nüüd üldse olümpiat.

See on küll raske hoop.
Ma ütlen, ma tunnen, et meid on justkui tillist tõmmatud.

Mainisite ka tavameedia halba suhtumist.
Jah, eelmisel nädalal oli Delfis suur uudis, et Mustamäe metsas tabati liputaja. Siinkohal tahaksime taaskord tõe jalule seada. See ei olnud liputaja, vaid Eesti juhtiv taskupiljardist Raivo, kes valmistus jõuluturniiriks Ibizal, kus on tal loota väga häid tulemusi. Raivol juhtus küll õnnetus, kuna ühe löögi ajal läks tal kii viltu ja lõhkus kalevisse augu. Seetõttu pidas mööduja Raivot liputajaks.

Ahsa nuga, see on küll halb kokkusattumus. Kas teie arvates ei mõista Eesti publik teie spordiala nüansse?
Nii on. Mõeldakse, et me oleme mingisugused haledad tüübid, kes käivad metsa vahel nühkimas ja halbu kohti saamas. Tegelikult on meie spordiala väga kallis ja raske ala, mistõttu ei saa me seda piisavalt tutvustada. Kas te teate, kui palju maksab purk määret? Seda peab olema veel mitut sorti, et vastavalt ilmastikutingimustele libisemist kinni ei määri. Treeninglaagrid Kanaaridel on ka kallid, pole ju mõeldav, et meie kliimas peaksime treenima paksus lumes Mustamäe metsades. Muidu võib juhtuda nagu Erki Noolel Budapestis – teivas on pehme. Kui me saaksime rohkem tähelepanu, meediasse ja reklaami, siis oleks meil rohkem raha ja me ei peaks taaskord määrdefondist Raivo eest trahviraha võtma.

Milline lahendus teie alaliidule rahuldust pakuks?
Õnneks on olümpiakomitee juht Urmas Sõõrumaa äsja valitud Eesti Päevalehe tabelis mõjukaimaks ettevõtjaks. Tema on enda positsiooni pidevalt kasutanud, et ka meid mõistetaks. Taskupiljard on tõsine spordiala ja sellel alal on meil kindlasti ees ootamas suur tulevik. See aitab kaasa ka maapiirkondade arengule, kus on teatavasti naisi vähem ja meestel ei ole muud teha, kui sporti. Taskupiljard massidesse!

Aitäh, härra Käsikivi, ei, tänan, kätt ärme surume.

[lenc]

No muidugi ei võeta vastu kui elementaarsete faktidega eksitakse. Budapestis oli Noole teivas täiesti tipp-topp. Pehmeks sulas see Sevilla päikese käes.

[zelee]

[Pints]

Simsoni nimi aga Yana nägu?

[Parlour]

When you go for an IV Drip but Jamilah offers you something that's not on the menu