The Athletic. Ehk sisuliselt kiitus, et Southgate on jäänud enda koleda mängu juurde ja pole kõigi jaurajate teemaga "miks meil nii head mehed pingil istuvad!?"-mölluga kaasa läinud:
Goodbye heroic Ingerland, hello unheroic England
England have tried winning by being heroically good, and it’s never worked. Never. Not in the dehydrated injustice of Maradona and Mexico ‘86, not in the balmy, generation-defining Turin heartbreak of Italia ‘90, not in the crushing melodrama of penalties at Euro ‘96, not in the thrilling, plunging rollercoaster against Argentina at France ‘98, not in the slapstick mediocrity of Euro 2000, not in the head’s-gone World Cup wilting against Brazil in 2002, not in the golden generation’s gutting loss of nerve against Portugal at Euro 2004, not in the golden generation’s other gutting loss of nerve against Portugal in 2006, not in the emasculating 12-yard lesson from Andrea Pirlo at Euro 2012 and not in the hope-crushing World Cup semi-final defeat to Croatia in 2018.
It’s time — for now, just for once — for English football to embrace being unheroically good. Doing their job, clearing their lines, running the channels, tracking their men, recycling the ball, keeping it simple, seeing it out, and bringing football home.
At the same time, though, football occasionally grants you licence to get brainlessly carried away with what you have just seen. In that spirit, here are the flawless England player ratings, presented with the most gleefully barrel-scraping logic where necessary, from the most brilliantly turgid 2-0 victory Wembley will ever witness.
Jordan Pickford
An incredible transformation from the wired, 94% caffeine, despairing-diving, occasionally super-powered human air-raid siren seen for club and country over the last four years. Give it another tournament cycle and Pickford will have released his own mindfulness app, his own chillout compilation CD and a range of scented candles. Watching him gently, happily fall to the turf, under no pressure, clutching an overhit, 89th-minute German through-ball, was just very soothing indeed. 10/10
Kyle Walker
The human footballing equivalent of the fighter jet that gets scrambled whenever a plane gets hijacked in mid-air. Picked in Gareth Southgate’s back three purely for his ability to run incredibly quickly in the direction of his own goal whenever it is required, from the first minute to the 94th to make sure something terrible doesn’t happen. The only time he didn’t make it, with England leading 1-0, Thomas Muller dragged his finish wide with only Pickford to beat. That simply made the early evening even sweeter, so it’s full marks again. 10/10
John Stones
Has somehow gone from being the future Beckenbauer of Barnsley to being The One Who Stays Back When Harry Maguire Fancies Bombing On, and that is absolutely fine. Do you remember anything John Stones did against Germany? No. Does that mean John Stones put a single foot wrong against Germany? Also, probably, no. 10/10
Harry Maguire
Yes, that flimsy, outside-of-the-right-boot-only dribbling technique is incredibly unsatisfying to watch and, yes, he seems to miss precisely one 7/10 headed chance per 90 minutes, but let’s focus on the positives: He has a massive, massive head. 10/10
Kieran Trippier
Rumours of another aesthetically unpleasing run-out on the England left were quashed by his perfectly sturdy performance on his favoured side. We’re all still coming to terms with the idea of Atletico Madrid’s Kieran Trippier, but few players embody Southgate’s level-headed loyalty scheme better. I also vaguely recall two very nice-looking free-kick trajectories. 10/10
Kalvin Phillips
That backspinning, sliced, volleyed crossfield pass that Paul Pogba pulled off against Switzerland on Monday? Kalvin Phillips did one of those, but nobody’s talking about it. Admittedly, he didn’t bend one into the extreme top corner from 30 yards either, but he is into the quarter-finals, so you do the math. 10/10
Declan Rice
Booked after just eight minutes, which meant 86 subsequent minutes of proverbial tightrope-walking. Or, in Rice’s case, 86 minutes of charging up and down the tightrope making sure that England’s Euro 2020 circus tour carried on to Rome. A lovely post-match interviewer, and an all-round great human being. 10/10
Luke Shaw
Still a preposterously proportioned footballer for this era of spindly, gluten-free middleweights, but — seven years after arriving at international level already looking like a seasoned 29-year-old — Shaw has become one of England’s quietly compelling characters. He continues to live rent-free in Jose Mourinho’s head, looks like a friendly, tea-round-procuring plumber’s assistant, and laid on Raheem Sterling’s goal to break the Wembley deadlock. 10/10
Bukayo Saka
Literally England’s only good player in the opening 15 minutes, where everybody else looked like rabbits in Germany’s headlights. Clearly destined to be one of those consistently diligent England performers who rack up 63 caps in what feels like two years. 10/10
Harry Kane
Described at one point by The Athletic’s Jack Lang as “playing like a doomed ocean liner”, Harry Kane managed just two touches in the first 36 minutes. After that, Kane began to gradually, desperately claw himself into the game. At 1-0, he trundled the ball forward with all the energy of a late-season Greek beach donkey...and then, moments later, found himself on the end of a Jack Grealish cross to bury the game and send England into the quarter-finals.
Deserves top marks not just for all of that toil, but also for having to answer the same question 318 times in the space of a week and have to pretend he's not thinking about a potentially career-defining, £100 million move. 10/10
Raheem Sterling
Woke England up with a 30-yarder that Manuel Neuer tipped away at full stretch and, along with Saka, seemed to be the only player willing to carry the ball with any attacking purpose. Scored his now customary poacher’s goal before giving the ball away for Muller’s glaring, crucial miss, which - as already discussed - just made everything even more fun. 10/10
Jack Grealish
Came on to clamour-releasing cheers with just over 20 minutes to go to help finally unlock the German defence not once, but twice. That comfortably passes the rose-tinted threshold for “transforming the game”, so that’s that. 10/10
Jordan Henderson
Sent on for two reasons: 1) to allow Declan Rice his standing ovation and 2) to be the universal gesture for “keeping your head” for the final few minutes. Did both perfectly, really. 10/10
Goodbye heroic Ingerland, hello unheroic England
England have tried winning by being heroically good, and it’s never worked. Never. Not in the dehydrated injustice of Maradona and Mexico ‘86, not in the balmy, generation-defining Turin heartbreak of Italia ‘90, not in the crushing melodrama of penalties at Euro ‘96, not in the thrilling, plunging rollercoaster against Argentina at France ‘98, not in the slapstick mediocrity of Euro 2000, not in the head’s-gone World Cup wilting against Brazil in 2002, not in the golden generation’s gutting loss of nerve against Portugal at Euro 2004, not in the golden generation’s other gutting loss of nerve against Portugal in 2006, not in the emasculating 12-yard lesson from Andrea Pirlo at Euro 2012 and not in the hope-crushing World Cup semi-final defeat to Croatia in 2018.
It’s time — for now, just for once — for English football to embrace being unheroically good. Doing their job, clearing their lines, running the channels, tracking their men, recycling the ball, keeping it simple, seeing it out, and bringing football home.
At the same time, though, football occasionally grants you licence to get brainlessly carried away with what you have just seen. In that spirit, here are the flawless England player ratings, presented with the most gleefully barrel-scraping logic where necessary, from the most brilliantly turgid 2-0 victory Wembley will ever witness.
Jordan Pickford
An incredible transformation from the wired, 94% caffeine, despairing-diving, occasionally super-powered human air-raid siren seen for club and country over the last four years. Give it another tournament cycle and Pickford will have released his own mindfulness app, his own chillout compilation CD and a range of scented candles. Watching him gently, happily fall to the turf, under no pressure, clutching an overhit, 89th-minute German through-ball, was just very soothing indeed. 10/10
Kyle Walker
The human footballing equivalent of the fighter jet that gets scrambled whenever a plane gets hijacked in mid-air. Picked in Gareth Southgate’s back three purely for his ability to run incredibly quickly in the direction of his own goal whenever it is required, from the first minute to the 94th to make sure something terrible doesn’t happen. The only time he didn’t make it, with England leading 1-0, Thomas Muller dragged his finish wide with only Pickford to beat. That simply made the early evening even sweeter, so it’s full marks again. 10/10
John Stones
Has somehow gone from being the future Beckenbauer of Barnsley to being The One Who Stays Back When Harry Maguire Fancies Bombing On, and that is absolutely fine. Do you remember anything John Stones did against Germany? No. Does that mean John Stones put a single foot wrong against Germany? Also, probably, no. 10/10
Harry Maguire
Yes, that flimsy, outside-of-the-right-boot-only dribbling technique is incredibly unsatisfying to watch and, yes, he seems to miss precisely one 7/10 headed chance per 90 minutes, but let’s focus on the positives: He has a massive, massive head. 10/10
Kieran Trippier
Rumours of another aesthetically unpleasing run-out on the England left were quashed by his perfectly sturdy performance on his favoured side. We’re all still coming to terms with the idea of Atletico Madrid’s Kieran Trippier, but few players embody Southgate’s level-headed loyalty scheme better. I also vaguely recall two very nice-looking free-kick trajectories. 10/10
Kalvin Phillips
That backspinning, sliced, volleyed crossfield pass that Paul Pogba pulled off against Switzerland on Monday? Kalvin Phillips did one of those, but nobody’s talking about it. Admittedly, he didn’t bend one into the extreme top corner from 30 yards either, but he is into the quarter-finals, so you do the math. 10/10
Declan Rice
Booked after just eight minutes, which meant 86 subsequent minutes of proverbial tightrope-walking. Or, in Rice’s case, 86 minutes of charging up and down the tightrope making sure that England’s Euro 2020 circus tour carried on to Rome. A lovely post-match interviewer, and an all-round great human being. 10/10
Luke Shaw
Still a preposterously proportioned footballer for this era of spindly, gluten-free middleweights, but — seven years after arriving at international level already looking like a seasoned 29-year-old — Shaw has become one of England’s quietly compelling characters. He continues to live rent-free in Jose Mourinho’s head, looks like a friendly, tea-round-procuring plumber’s assistant, and laid on Raheem Sterling’s goal to break the Wembley deadlock. 10/10
Bukayo Saka
Literally England’s only good player in the opening 15 minutes, where everybody else looked like rabbits in Germany’s headlights. Clearly destined to be one of those consistently diligent England performers who rack up 63 caps in what feels like two years. 10/10
Harry Kane
Described at one point by The Athletic’s Jack Lang as “playing like a doomed ocean liner”, Harry Kane managed just two touches in the first 36 minutes. After that, Kane began to gradually, desperately claw himself into the game. At 1-0, he trundled the ball forward with all the energy of a late-season Greek beach donkey...and then, moments later, found himself on the end of a Jack Grealish cross to bury the game and send England into the quarter-finals.
Deserves top marks not just for all of that toil, but also for having to answer the same question 318 times in the space of a week and have to pretend he's not thinking about a potentially career-defining, £100 million move. 10/10
Raheem Sterling
Woke England up with a 30-yarder that Manuel Neuer tipped away at full stretch and, along with Saka, seemed to be the only player willing to carry the ball with any attacking purpose. Scored his now customary poacher’s goal before giving the ball away for Muller’s glaring, crucial miss, which - as already discussed - just made everything even more fun. 10/10
Jack Grealish
Came on to clamour-releasing cheers with just over 20 minutes to go to help finally unlock the German defence not once, but twice. That comfortably passes the rose-tinted threshold for “transforming the game”, so that’s that. 10/10
Jordan Henderson
Sent on for two reasons: 1) to allow Declan Rice his standing ovation and 2) to be the universal gesture for “keeping your head” for the final few minutes. Did both perfectly, really. 10/10
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