Veits nalja

[Tofoa]

Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," I said.
She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," I said.
She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen £30,000 all crumpled up?"
"No," I said, intrigued.



"Well just go and look in the garage"!

[hofnar]

kahe viimase postituse pointini jõudmiseks läks mul päris palju aega.

[ivar5lepik]

Naine istus mu kōrvale diivanile ja ma klõpsisin parasjagu telekas kanaleid.
Ta küsis et mida täna digiboksi pealt näeb.
Vastasin, et tolmu.
Ja tüli algas.
---------------------
Ma vaatasin naisega voodis pikutades saadet „Kes tahab saada miljonäriks“
Ma küsisin, et kas ta tahaks seksida
Ta ütles ei.
Ma küsisin, et kas see on ta lõplik vastus.
Ta isegi ei vaadanud minu poole ja ütles jah.
Ma ütlesin, et ma tahaks siis sõbrale helistada.
Ja tüli algas.
----------------------
Laupäeva hommikul tõusin ma varavalges, panin tasakesi riidesse,
pakkisin omale lõunasöögi kaasa ja hiilisin garaazhi. Kinnitasin
paadikäru minibussi taha ja üritasin mussoonitaolisse vihmahoogu
tagurdada. Tuul oli 50 miili tunnis nii et ma sõitsin tagasi garaazhi ja
kuulasin raadiost ilmateadet. Tuli välja, et terve päeva jooksul pole
ilma paranemist oodata.
Ma läksin tagasi tuppa, võtsin vaikselt riidest lahti, pugesin voodisse
teki alla ja liibusin oma naise selja vastu teda kaisutades ning veidi
erilisema ootusega sositasin talle kõrva, et väljas on kohutav ilm!
Mu armastav abikaasa vastas: Kujutad sa ette, mu napakas mees on selle
ilmaga väljas kalal!
Ja tüli algas.
-------------------------
Ma kõksasin täna hommikul oma autoga teisele tagant sisse. Seal me siis
olime, teepeenrale peatunud ning vaikselt avanes teise auto uks ja juht
astus välja. Tead küll, kuidas vahel on närv nii püsti ja stressis, et
pisiasjad ajavad lihtsalt kohutavalt naerma? Noh, ma ei suutnud oma
silmi uskuda - ta oli kääbus! Ta tormas minu juurde ja mulle pingsalt
otsa vaadates käratas: Mul pole praegu eriti hea tuju!
Ma vaatasin allapoole ja küsisin, et milline neist 7-st sa siis oled kah?
Ja tüli algas.
--------------
Mu naine hakkas vihjeid tegema, et ta tahab meie peatseks aastapäevaks
midagi kingituseks.
Ta ütles, et ta tahab midagi läikivat, mille näidik lendaks 0st 150ni
kolme sekundiga.
Ma ostsin talle vannitoakaalu.
Ja tüli algas.
-----------------
Kui ma eile õhtul koju jõudsin, nõudis mu naine, et ma viiks ta kusagile
kallisse kohta. Ma viisin ta bensiinijaama.
Ja tüli algas.
--------------------
Peale töölt lahkumist läksin end kohalikku pensioniametisse pensionäriks
registreerima. Proua, kes minuga tegeles, küsis mu vanuse tõestamiseks
juhiluba või passi. Ma pistsin käe põuetaskusse ja ehmatasin, et olin
rahakoti koju jätnud. Vabandasin teenindaja ees, et olin asjata aega
kulutanud, pean koju minema ja hiljem tagasi tulema.
Proua aga käskis mul särgi eest lahti nööpida. No nii ma siis tegingi,
särgi alt tulid nähtavale hallisegused rinnakarvad ja proua teatas, et
sellest talle tõestuseks piisab ja täitis mu avalduse ära.
Kui ma koju jõudsin rääkisin ma lõbustatult naisele kuidas mul
pensioniametis läks.
Mu naine vastas: Sa oleks pidanud hoopis püksid alla laskma. Oleks
invaliidsuspensionile saanud.
Ja tüli algas.
-------------------
Ma istusin naisega kooli kokkutulekul peolauas ja ma vahtisin üht
purjakil daami, kes üksinda laua taga napsutas.
Mu naine küsis, et kas ma tunnen teda.
Jah, ohkasin ma, ta on mu vana pruut. Ma kuulsin, et ta hakkas hirmsasti
jooma kui me tookord aastaid tagasi lahku läksime ja et ta polegi
sealtmaalt kaine olnud!
Oh issand, kes oleks arvanud, et keegi nii kaua seda rõõmu tähistab!
Ja tüli algas.
------------------
Ma viisin naise restorani õhtusöögile. Kelner millegipärast võttis minu
tellimuse esimesena.
Mulle palun steik, keskmiselt küpsetatuna.
Ta küsis, et kas ma hullu lehma pärast ei karda.
Ma vastasin, et ei, ta oskab ise enda eest tellida.
Ja tüli algas.
-------------------
Naine seisis alasti magamistoa peegli ees. Talle ei meeldinud see, mida
ta nägi ja ta ütles mulle: Ma tunnen ennast kohutavalt, ma näen välja
vana, paks ja kole. Sa võiksid mulle komplimendi teha, et ma ennast
paremini tunneks!
Kallis, sul on kohutavalt hea silmanägemine!
Ja tüli algas.

[zelee]

[Tofoa]

Paneme ühe veel:

[Katk]

[dnb]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[marv3llous]

http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukelewis/middle-class-problems

[Tofoa]

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
“When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers,” he said.

“I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on.”
When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large...

I told her, “of course they're too big”.
“I wear the trousers in this family and I always will”.
“Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.”

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers,

gave them to Jill and told her to put them on.

Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
“Exactly,” replied Jack. “I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will, so don't forget that.”
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. “Try these on,” she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

“I can't possibly get into your knickers,” said Jack.

“Exactly,” replied Jill. “And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.”

[zelee]

Pereprobleemid

[Redman]

[marv3llous]

"First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires. Somewhere there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left."

[Kenny's Heroes]

"First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires. Somewhere there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left."

tulin just seda siia kopima. a kompensatsiooniks siis
'in honour of ferguson's retirement, there will be an additional 6 minutes extra time added for this weekend's premier league fixtures'

[Daz Booob]

[wordprez]

Mõnuagendi kohutava 90ndate mussi teema tõi selle meelde: